tfw no gf – one man’s story of survival

So as most of you are aware, my girlfriend is that much of a nerd they actually gave her money to go to the UK/Italy to study.  Apparently that’s a thing. All I get is detention which is a bit of bullshit. I’m not even sure if they are allowed to do that at university.  I guess it doesn’t really matter because showing up to detention is something only bitch level students do anyway (John Bender excepted, of course).

So being as I have been left alone to fend for myself as she did a lot of the cooking and washing because that stuff is confusing as fuck and (as I found out recently) can’t be done over the internet (I know right? What fucking year is it indeed).

So basically for the first time ever, I’ve had to work out how to do things that apparently I was unaware you need to do to survive.

So gather around my kittens and let me indulge you of my heroic story against all odds, a recount of my experience so far…

First days 

So to start off, I’m chillin, maxin, relaxin all cool, shootin some b-ball outside of the school…

Ok fine- I’m lying, I was watching Laverne and Shirley on mute while masturbating furiously with Snow – Informer on loop.

After deciding 4 hours was enough, I decided to check my todo list for the day to see what activity was next up:


Well, probably the most appealing thing left to do is the food thing which is a coincidence as suddenly I realise that I am a little bit hungry! So I waited and nothing happened. Odd…usually food appears after a while.  So I message my girlfriend and ask what is up with that, she tells me about this “cooking” thing.

Naturally, it’s something I don’t know about so my first stop is wikipedia:

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Wow, that sure is a lot of words not in IRC format.  So I decide to put that on hold for now and jump over to /ck/ which I’ve always wondered about. Is it the first board on 4chan that isn’t nasty and discusses topics related to the board? I was about to find out!

…welp, what was wikipedia saying about this…oh yeah, the words thing… I ask on IRC and they say that I need to get “ingredients” first. Easy. I can do that.

Since I noticed girlfriend usually goes to the kitchen to do this sort of stuff since she can’t ssh, I moved one of the computers into the kitchen and logged in excited to learn all about cooking!

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Shit this is tough. I asked on twitter and all I got were “lol” replies and a couple of retweets, fucking condescending neckbeard assholes.

I decided to send Kimberley another message and ask how do.

<plipfishy> how do cooking, I tried looking at the man page but there didn’t seem to be one

<Kimberley> wtf are you talking about?

<plipfishy> cooking

<Kimberley> are you seriously trying to cook with a computer? not everything is on the internet you know

<plipfishy> explain this bullshit!

<Kimberley> well, you know how you like Ainsley? What he’s doing is cooking.

<plipfishy> k, I’ll download some and check it out

So I watched some eps but couldn’t concentrate so much on what he was actually doing, I was busy swooning over dat beautiful grin.

Turns out everybody was wrong, you can make food over the internet, just put in your address and credit card number and a pizza appears at your house in 30 minutes.  Everybody must get pretty tired of being wrong all the time.

So that was food out of the way… what’s next?  Well, I’m kind of tired of having dirty clothes and I’ve already turned inside out in every configuration, but the neighbours are starting to sook about smells.  So I guess that makes clean clothes up next!

I thought I probably won’t bother Kimberley since she’s probably in class now, so I hit google

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“washing machine?” … hm I’ve heard that before…wait…



that big white thing in Bon Bon’s bedroom is a washing machine!

I head into the laundry to check that shit out


Ok, unfamiliar graphic user interface…but it’s electronic so maybe this thing we can actually use the internet… none of the panels seemed to have any config options so I’m assuming that it’s deployed with SSH already configured.

I’m unsure what the local IP is since Kimberley would’ve configured it to begin with.  So I jumped on the router to see what was currently issued via DHCP

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I’ve managed to work out what those all are since some newb can’t give client names:

101 – Apple TV
102 – Work iMac
103 – iPad

so no dice… I decided to have a look and see if it was possibly setup as static, but I only saw two connections:

17 – my main computer
7 – nexus 4

shit, it’s not even connected to my network. So I went to closer inspect the UI on the machine


I figured I’d just put something in that I didn’t care too much if it gets raped and press start and see what happens, so I went and had a look and see what Kimberley had left in her cupboard. I grabbed a couple of items, that weren’t skirts or showed much skin, and put them in and closed the door and pressed “Start” and watched with awe expecting something to get it’s shit fucked up in an entertaining way.

To my surprise it started making sounds, filling up with water (?!) and moving inside. I was pretty sure something dangerous was about to happen, so I thought I should do something to stop it really quick.


I promptly grabbed my guinea pig and ran out of the room and closed the door, figuring if something happened, it wouldn’t be my problem because I don’t really need to go in there anymore anyway, and Kimberley can sort it out later on when she gets home.

Throughout the next hour I could hear some fucked up shit going on in there and just as I picked up my phone to call Tracy to come hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright – the noises halted.

I waited a further 15 minutes and heard no sounds.


I cautiously opened the door and noticed that the “Start” light had extinguished and there was no major damage to the room, bar a few dents in the machine from where I kicked it to attempt to stop it earlier.  Again, cautiously opening the door, I notice that the clothes were wet, but smelled fresh, like a summer breeze(TM).



I remembered I had done from this part a few times previously, and all I had to do was take them outside, throw them at the wires outside and whichever items successfully stuck, were the chosen ones- leaving only the frail and inferior items to remain in a state of decay on the concrete outside.

As I started carrying the items outside, excited to witness the final battle royale, I remembered there’s something about the sky that Kimberley doesn’t like to put clothes outside in.

YES! Rain! That’s what she doesn’t like mixing with the contestants!

Running back inside I had a look at my computer and according to there was a 40% chance of rain. The odds were in my favour, but nature is a vindictive wench, so I decided to challenge her by screaming “COME AT ME NATUUUURE” into the night.  Weirdly enough, she responded with a strange, “shut the fuck up you fucking whacko I’m trying to sleep, I’ve got fucking work at 6am!”.

So the time was set.

My own personal battle royale.

Me vs. Nature.

Sunday-Sunday-SUNDAY!!! 6AM!!! ONE SHOW ONLY!!!

To be continued….?

***May not actually be based on actual events. Events may or may not be exaggerated for entertainment purposes.